Subhuman

I used to have a friend, with whom I would talk about the strange natures of people, especially men. We'd laugh, and be exasperated, and throw our hands up with the neverending question of "Why would they DO that!?" and the answer would always be the same.

"Because they're people"

That same phrase later got me in trouble with that friend, who asserted that I thought myself above everyone else, something better than human, another priest(ess) who had succumbed to the 'holier than thou' train of thinking.

I was... surprised to say the least. In my view, I had done nothing to assert myself higher than anyone else. In fact, I barely made eye contact with anyone, even her. To me, the phrase gave me something to aspire to. One day, I might even be a Person, and capable of mistakes that make others shake their heads and others laugh. Instead, I am Not a Person, and strive, strive to find the endearing qualities in myself, and the parts of my Self that are Me, and separate them from the parts that Were Me and the parts That Were Others. To me, being subhuman meant hiding as many of my flaws as I could, because People were able to make mistakes, and I could never be so haughty to think myself as good as anyone else. Being Less than a Person always meant that my mistakes were unforgivable, are unforgivable, and that anything, ANYTHING, I do wrong will be held against me forever, beliefs reinforced by my parents, my peers, their parents, and the school system. Other people can make mistakes, and have them be forgotten. Other people make mistakes and are teased about it. Some take it well, some don't.

I cannot yet be a person, so I cannot make mistakes.